Tag: sexuality

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Can We Be True To Our Own Identity, On And Offline?

Allow me to introduce myself. My name is Elizabeth and I am both thrilled and somewhat nervous to have been invited to write a guest blog on the UIO podcast page. Writing a blog is a first for me so here goes….!

This week we are focusing on both identity and online wellbeing, topics that we’ve covered in our latest podcast. Though a person’s identity is shaped by many different aspects – family, culture, friends, personal interests, education, gender, religion, sexuality, socio-economic groups and so on, some factors may have more of an influence than others and as a person grows up, they are influenced by many aspects of their life. For example, family and culture may influence a person’s sense of responsibilities, ethics, morals, and humour, whereas friends may influence a person’s taste in clothing, music, speech, and social activities.

I believe however, that personal interests are what truly set individuals apart and shape identity. An individual is not a puppet and should be encouraged to explore what they like and don’t like, rather than following the crowd. To this end, society has had limited impact on my lifestyle, mostly because I tend not to follow trends. For example, throughout my teens I listened to Rock music while my friends followed the music trends at that time, such as Bros–even putting the bottle tops on their shoes! (Showing my age here!!!)

This tendency of mine to not follow my friends followed me into adulthood. I had several amazing jobs in the corporate world working in a 9 to 5 role, but always felt that working in this way wasn’t for me. So, partly due to circumstance and partly because I felt trapped, I re-trained as a personal trainer and sports coach, and then later as a digital marketer and VA.

Admittedly, having a career doing a role I actually like helps me to keep my identity as ‘Elizabeth,’ while also enjoying being a busy mum of two. Moreover, I love being in a position to be able to be a positive role model, giving everyone the same opportunities in sport, even if it means breaking down gender stereo-types. Girls bring their emotional selves to football for example, and I teach them to embrace that–that is their true self so why hide it?

I have a strong set of morals and ethics that I have partly adopted from my parents, but some are also my own. My bootcamps teach girls to look beyond the filters, feel happy in their environment, be comfortable in their bodies and ultimately, make the most of being YOU.

I was extremely privileged to go to university and get a first class honours degree in International Business, but appreciate not everyone is. I, therefore, teach young individuals not to be limited by their environment etc, but to be who they want to be.

In today’s world, identity is also important in the online space. Social media can be a positive tool to help children develop and grow but it can also affect young peoples’ emotional and mental health.

Being too active on Social media and worrying about regularly posting pictures and status updates has been linked to anxiety, poor body image and diminished mental health. The constant seeking of approval from others and searching for external validation means that young people don’t develop a secure sense of self that isn’t dependant on arbitrary conditions of worth. This preoccupation with how other people react to what we post on social media can lead us all, particularly young people to feel unsure about their value. Constant posting may also open them up to receiving more negative or mean comments on line, rather than compliments or praise.

Social media is here to stay though, and while there are, of course, many benefits, it is important that we as parents, guardians, teachers, influencers, people in positions of responsibility etc, discuss with our kids the importance of using it in a healthier way. To this end, we need to equip them with tools to create a safe space within social media by talking about the impact of seeking approval from an online world that doesn’t really know them or comparing their lives to the edited versions of the lives they see online. This way they can be true to their own identity, on and offline.

For more hot tips, check out Your Identity Inside Out and Your Online Wellbeing Inside Out

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UIO Launches New Podcast Series

Kicking off UIO’s new podcast series, I have a fantastic conversation about identity with Rachita Saraogi and Rebecca Thomson, co-founders of Sisterhood, a social enterprise about turning girl’s self-doubt into self-confidence through creativity.

Out today, Series 2: Episode 1: Your Identity Inside Out delves into questions that often arise during adolescence. How to deal with gender stereotypes and so on. Also, the podcast offers lots of tips on how to tap into your girl cell and use it as your super power.

Intriguing stuff! And that’s not all. To listen, download a feed reader and sign up for my rss feed here. Also, listen on iTunes, Spotify, Tunein, Stitcher and Soundcloud and check out our Twitter, Instagram or Facebook page, all @uiopodcast.

In the meantime, not only do we have another exciting line-up of fabulous guests this season, we have also taken to the studio to improve the sound and overall production quality of the podcasts. Some of the episodes are taped in Maple Street Creative in Central London and others in the White City Place podcast hub in West London.  It’s all about making better podcasts for you.

On that note, coming up in two weeks is Episode 2: On Undiagnosed Mental Illness Inside Out with Eleanor Segall, writer and expert on mental illness. Stay tuned!

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Dating: No Need For Head Over Heels

I can’ t ever remember not having a romanticised view of dating. From fairy tales to music, storylines and lyrics are loaded with messages about the perfect partner. Over the years, finding Prince Charming, AKA Mr Right, has been the topic of loads of conversations and not just mine. Filmmakers, for example, widely use the topic for their romantic storylines:  My Best Friend’s Wedding, Pretty Woman, Titanic, Broke Back Mountain and Something New, a more niche film about interracial relationships. The list goes on with hints that there is someone (and I stress one) for everyone, and when you find that one, love will conquer all of the obstacles–jealousy, class division, homophobia and even racism and the likes of its close cousin colourism. Also, it will stamp out self-esteem problems.

Far be it for me to be pessimistic but here is the thing—the notion that there is only one perfect person out there for each of has to be wrong. First things first, there is no such thing as a perfect partner. Really!

Therefore, pursing an unrealistic goal as if this is the ultimate life goal can be self defeating. So then how do you approach dating?  For starters, it helps to understand that every relationship, every friendship is not a means to an end says founder of The Romance Academy, Rachel Gardener, our guest in UIO: On Sex and Sexuality. Dating is as much about learning loads about yourself as is about learning to relate to another person.

Oops, I didn’t get that memo back then but it is nice to have it now. In those days it was all about ticking boxes. Needed to be popular, somewhat smart but didn’t matter as much if he was the star athlete. Other people around me looked at economic status, even race and religion to name a few. And then there was something about happiness in the pile, as if another person held the key to it.

Somewhere along the way I discovered that finding a suitable partner is not about rushing in ‘heels over head’ in the name of finding the one and only person. The good news is that dating, though daunting at times, presents an opportunity to make friends, to build character, have fun and to grow by leaps and bounds.

What does that have to do with my life you might be thinking through tears as you read this, having been dumped by the love of your life or forbidden a love, if you will, due to sexuality, for example.

Evidence tells us that few school relationships lead to life partners. There are exceptions but hooking up with a one and only early in life is not the rule. Still, making friends of the same and opposite sex while young is so important to learning to get along with others, to relate, to tolerate other opinions and other ways of life without the filter of looking for a life partner.

In those friendships, whether there are romantic ties are not, as mentioned you can learn a lot about yourself and other people, too, such as the importance of having boundaries and respecting them, keeping confidences, becoming trustworthy and trusting another person, and finally learning to love others and more importantly learning to love yourself.

Now on the romance of it, teen dating need not necessarily lead to sex. I say this because so often the belief is that it will inevitably, hence the warnings of the physical downsides of indulging unsafely—early pregnancies, STDs and so on. However, without reference to the emotional consequences of pre-mature sex—how sex is tied to deep communications and therefore self-worth—it continues to be glammed up as long as it is safe.  The truth is that without maturity, commitment, understanding and love, it can do more harm than good, as well.

As for sexuality, there tends to be a belief that sex, if only via a strong attraction, affirms sexuality. Not necessarily: data shows that as people are growing up, we might have strong feelings for people of the same sex or the opposite sex but that doesn’t define our sexuality. People change. Some might argue all the more reason to explore.

My advice is to ‘wait awhile’ and get to know yourself, learn to relate to other people, have fun dating, growing and learning. While it’s not about diving in ‘head over heels,’ as the cliché goes, it is not about approaching dating ‘heels over head either’. Literally, we stand on our heels, not our heads. As for our heads, we use them wisely. Enjoy!

More on dating to come in our upcoming podcast, UIO: On Dating Inside Out. Stay tuned.

 

 

 

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More To Identity Than Meets The Eye

There is so much to identity that does not meet the eye, yet it is what meets the eye that often describes who you are, at least to others—an African American teen girl or a black American teen girl is how I would have been described when I was about your age. And as the eyes swept over me, other factors such as my medium brown skin, the shape of my eyes, the size of my nose, and my medium length tightly coiled hair would have given more information in some way or another to the onlooker.

And presto, a peer, the teacher, the coach, the bus driver, whomever was sizing me up, had all they needed to know.  After all I was unmistakably all the things they could see through their filters.

But what they couldn’t see, unless opportunity arose, were the identity markers that are not necessarily seen through the filters that make assumptions and conjure up stereotypes, filters that define, that demarcate.

People can’t see inside of you, how your true self is connected to all the other factors, even in their purest form, without the filters. They cannot see what makes you tick. And may this continue. It is up you to unveil that.

For example, the stereotype that girls are not as good as boys in stem subjects—science, technology, engineering and maths still exists. Inroads are being made to dispel this stereotype and other similar ones but we have a long way to go, as explained in this article in The Guardian.

Anyhow, here is the thing about stereotypes and assumptions, they are illusive and disempowering such as the belief that one race might be superior to another or one gender has more rights than the other(s). There has to be a way around pigeonholing, right. Otherwise, simply going along with it make a big difference in your life experience, the difference in whether you follow a dream or not, believe you can achieve something or feel that you belong.

For me it comes down to writing new stories. But how do we do that?

First, be who you are. Do not apologise! This starts with understanding your history, your heritage, your starting place and being aware of how other people might see this. They are the ones holding the assumptions and stereotypes, not you! Don’t misunderstand, I am not proposing that we all walk around with a chip on our shoulder. It will either get knocked off or weigh you down. But there is a middle ground, if you will.

For example, as a tween, well into being a teen girl I loved activities that were associated with boys, see what I mean by stereotypes. I played baseball, ran, rode a dirt bike, climbed trees and had a boy best friend, who was my next door neighbour.  I was called a tomboy and only the other day fondly remembered those days. Harmless, right!

Maybe but why did I give up all these activities I loved ever so much. I didn’t write a new story. I lived in the one that was told to me, that I couldn’t be a girl and enjoy the same activities as boys. Lesson learned, embrace who you are. Do not turn yourself inside out to be someone else.

Next, don’t let Identity markers hem you into margins. Remember, negative connotations associated with your gender, race, nationality, your socio-economic status, your ability, your sexuality are not yours to own.  Doing so is restrictive.  Such thoughts as I can’t go to this and that school or play this or that instrument because of my….limits you.  

Give it a go, if you’d really like to, and if there are institutional barriers, write a new story. Of course, it is not as simple as that but as the old saying goes, there is more than one way to do anything.  I have seen two examples in the UK where women helped girls set up their own sports teams, one a basketball team and the other football.  Lesson learned, do it your way!

Last but not least, self-love is so important for many reasons but one thing for sure is that when you are living outside of the box, you just might get criticised and not always constructively. Also, you don’t always get awarded for your efforts or the external validation that you think you deserve.  Better to validate yourself, if you will. And I am not talking about bragging or throwing shade on others who perhaps got your props.   The key is to keep improving your game, honing your skills and enjoying the experiences along the way.  Lesson learned here is that learning to love yourself is a survival skill.

In the meantime, consider that identity is as much to do with what you are about (your character and so on) as it is to do with where you are from. And what you are about has a lot to do with where you are going.

Stay tuned for the new podcast series kicking off September 5. First up: Series 2, Episode 1: Your Identity Inside Out with Rachita Saraogi and Rebecca Thomson.  It is all about you inside out.

 

 

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Why Talk About Sex and Sexuality?

Since I launched UIO, I have talked to many folks about sex and sexuality. The most in-depth conversation was for Episode 8: On Sex and Sexuality with Rachel Gardner, founder of the Romance Academy, who like me advocates focusing on building relationships and learning more about yourself before making pre-mature decisions about sex.

A non-starter, right, considering all the nuances in the air, whether in music, film, at school or just in the community, seemingly sex has become the biggest part of everything.  Recently, someone said to me: all teenagers have sex.

No wonder in one of my latest conversations on the topic, a parent said that when her daughter turns 16, she plans to put her on birth control. She simply is not going to trust a 16-year-old.

What does trust have to do with it? I asked. Surely birth control isn’t the answer. What about talking, sooner rather than later, and then if birth control is in order, fair enough, along with protection against diseases. But what about a real conversation to put it all into perspective—the good, the bad, the indifferent.

With scepticism in her voice, she pretty much fobbed me off. That got me wondering why it is so difficult for parents and teens to have a real conversation about sex, the hottest topic on the planet.

When I was a teen, though I enjoyed talking to my parents about a lot of things, asking all sorts of questions about the world, I never broached the topic of sex and neither did they. Though it was there, you couldn’t ignore it, it was a taboo subject. Others around my age, whether from a liberal or conservative household, shared similar stories.

One acquaintance confided that her mother’s parting words to her when she moved out were: “Don’t get pregnant,” though they hadn’t talked about sex previously! Another said, though she was clearly having sex with a boyfriend before she left home, neither of her parents mouthed a word. How was she to take care of herself? She didn’t know what to think. Not to mention other nuances that she had to deal with at school and so on.

Similar stories have been confided about sexuality, too, whether the topic has either been ignored or squashed. End of story.Actually not. Not having real conversations with guardians about tough topics such as sex and sexuality is often the beginning of difficult times. There are many reasons why it is important to talk about such topics, including avoiding conflict, stumbling into harmful situations, suffering unnecessary consequences, building trust and so on. Okay, but whose responsibility is it to broach the heated subject?

Parents are the adults in the situation, in charge of the household, right. Surely, they ought to bring it up. Imagine rushing in from school, throwing off your backpack and pulling up at the dinner table to be eyeballed by one or both of your parents, followed by a wry smile and then the dreaded words: “We need to talk about sex and/or sexuality!”

I suspect I would have wished for the floor to swallow me up than to reveal my real feelings on the matter. But I do remember somehow understanding the lay of the land and as a teen my passionate views didn’t always comply. In such a scenario, my defences might have gone up, certain that the talk could only be one sided.

So, what about the option of bringing up the topic yourself?  Not a chance, right, particularly for someone who has a question of sexuality with fears of facing unaccepting guardians and wider family. In this instance, it might be the parent who wants the floor to swallow them up.

Though both scenarios are less than ideal, the key is that parents listen to their teens, their desires, their hopes, their fears, and visa versa that teens listen to their parents, their desires, their fears, their hope, both with respect to values and morals but without judgment.

It is a tall order but it eliminates rejection, which leads to isolation, depression even suicidal thoughts. Make no mistake about it, I am not advocating a green light for teens to do as you please, but I am proposing a green light that affords you to bring any and everything you have to someone who has your best interest at heart, talk about it.  In Episode 6: Your Mind Inside Out, psychotherapist Jane Goldberg talks about the importance of talking about all feelings, good and bad.

Also, talking openly and honestly educates and informs for better decision making. There is so much focus on the physical consequences of pre-mature sex, that little is said about the mental pitfalls, of which there are many. Check out Episode 8 for more on this.

Finally, talk helps growth and development, puts you in touch with values, who you really are, what drives you. Just remember conversation is a dialogue and a good exercise in listening. It requires a bit of patience, too, as does life. Still working on that one.

 

 

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UIO Gets Dedicated Facebook Page

Earlier this year when I launched UIO, the new podcast for teenage girls, I was bouncing off the walls with passion for the project. Not something necessarily to be proud of, as it was annoying for some—the persistent phone calls, asking for this and that, the constant nattering about it all the time.

Thankfully, however, for many, including the ten women who agreed to an interview, it was a really good idea, something they wanted to see take off, too.

One thing that we could all agree on, to paraphrase one of them ‘anything for teenage girls.’ We’re all connected to a teenage girl or two in some way. And as women, we’ve been there done that and can relate to many of the growing pains.

And here we are months later, announcing our first UIO social media page on Facebook. Others are soon to follow. Until then, any and everything UIO can be found here, including a little background.

On that note, as I watch my niece grow into a young lady, seemingly under a misty day, I can’t help feeling that I owe it to her and her generation to not only try to put a few things right that are ever so wrong but also to stand along side them as they clear up the mist, if you will.

With UIO, I have chosen a single sex platform to give girls a space to deal with issues that are either exclusive to them or impact them disproportionately. For example, research shows that girls are sexualised earlier and more often than boys.

But I do think boys can enjoy the podcasts, too. They are just not aimed at them. In any case, UIO relies on Christian ethics and principles. My faith is at the engine of the podcast. Nonetheless, UIO is not solely for Christian girls. Listen to Prelude One for more on UIO’s roots and to hear more about my desire to support all girls.

The idea is to celebrate what it means to be a teenage girl today while advocating and campaigning with a view to influencing positive change. I call it straight talk because so many of the subjects are hush hush, even if the world has become more explicit. Most people don’t want to talk about tough topics such as sex, sexuality, body image and so on. At UIO, it is the real deal.

To this end, we invite you to like our page, join in the conversations, listen to the podcasts, tells us what you want to hear about, suggest a guest—anything you can think of that serves teenage girls. More podcasts are to come in 2018. In the meantime, check out the 2017 series.

 

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The UIO New Look Is Out

UIO: You Inside Out announces a new look , emphasising the voice of teenage girls.

Created by Dominque Ozturk, an accomplished designer who has years of experience in working with girls of all ages, the new look will be featured across all platforms where the podcast is aired, including iTunes and the UIO dedicated podcast page.

Also you can see the new look and listen to the podcast via Libsyn   Stitcher, Tunein and on Google Play music.

Created as a versatile medium for teenage girls with their input, UIO relies on sound principles and values, and offers a safe and responsible platform to provide insight into topics relevant to teenage girls today.

The 2017 pilot series includes ten shows, featuring a range of talented women with special interest, experience and expertise on a particular topic:

Episode 1 – Your Confidence Inside Out with Cheryl Grace

Episode 2 – Your Body Inside Out with Judit Ressinka

Episode 3 – Your Skin Inside Out with Jenny Hawkins

Episode 4 – Your Body Image Inside Out with Laura Miles

Episode 5 – Your Hair Inside Out with Joy Miller

Episode 6 – Your Mind Inside Out with Jane and Molly Goldberg

Episode 7 – Your Values Inside Out with Jenny Garrett

Episode 8 – On Sex and Sexuality with Rachel Gardner

Episode 9 – Your Family Inside with Helen Lewis

Episode 10 – Peer Pressure Inside Out with Natalie Savvides

Stay tuned for more UIO announcements in the coming days and for new episodes in 2018.

‘I find the subjects and experts are good for parents to hear too, said one listening parent. ‘The podcast raises many points  for conversations with my daughter.’

For more info or enquiries about UIO, write to info@sonjalewis.com

 

 

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UIO Releases Special Episode on Sex

Yes, you read that right. But don’t expect anything out of the ordinary from this podcaster. Episode 8: On Sex and Sexuality is done in a similar style as the other podcasts and rightly so. A highly complex and sometimes contentious topic, it is one that can’t be ignored in any relationship.  And as teenagers begin dating, Rachel Gardner, founder of the Romance Academy, advocates that teens focus on building relationships and learning more about themselves before making pre-mature decisions about sex.

Though this might sound radical to some, it might be a welcome idea to others. In any case, the podcast looks to the emotional side of having the very deepest connection with another human and how if rushed into can often cause problems.

In addition, this episode looks at transgender issues and sexuality, too. Listen on iTunes, Stitcher, Tunein, Soundcloud and right here sonjalewis.com.

In other news, stay tuned for the two final UIO podcasts in this pilot series to be released in early September. That’s UIO: Your Family Inside Out and UIO: Peer Pressure Inside Out. In the meantime, have a good summer. No pressure!