Tag: UIO: You Inside Out

Blog/

TAPPING INTO YOUR ANXIETY

Anxiety is so personal, isn’t it? I have come to understand that over the last couple if years in particular. What I feel is what I feel and how I deal with it is personal, too. Make no mistake about it, I am not carrying it around like a thorn in my side or being pessimistic about it. I am just saying that when it is in my space – it is a force to be reckoned with.

Recently, someone told me about the children’s book There Is no Such Thing As a Dragon. In short, a little boy discovers and befriends a small dragon living in his home but his mother refuses to believe that the dragon exists. So the dragon gets bigger and bigger and only when she faces the fact that the dragon is real does it shrink to normal size. The little boy makes the point that the dragon just wants to be noticed.

Ah ha! Such is anxiety.

This is one of the tips in my latest vlog, Tapping Into Your Anxiety–Acknowledge it. And after doing this, you can gain control to manage it. Sounds like a plan to me. Check out Tapping Into Your Anxiety on my You Tube channel and please do give us a like and subscribe.

Take care of you inside out.

Blog/

Glimpsing A Snippet of Hope

While it is early days yet for our Discover U campaign, launched on Snapchat a week ago, it is refreshing to be in the company of teenage girls throughout the world. Though traditionally our largest listening audiences come from the USA and the UK, through Snapchat, we have been able to reach out to girls from around the globe, including Nigeria and India, for example.

And we are eternally grateful for the opportunity to support all girls everywhere and to advocate on their behalf.

The timing for resources to deal with mounting challenges can never come too soon for those in great need and to my contemporary mind, never has so many segments of society faced unprecedented challenges on a daily basis as we are facing now, though I am sure my ancestors and their ancestors and so on might beg to differ.

Even so, I suspect their hopes and prayers for us is that we will continue to look and learn and spend less time reviewing and regretting. Not an easy task, even for those who might be staring hope in the face. This is those of us who are returning to school, to a snippet of life as we knew it, moving around with some sense of freedom, no matter how restricted it seems.

And for those who feel as if they can hardly breathe, owing to Covid 19 and the slew of problems that it has either brought or magnified, amongst already existing problems such as poverty, disease and so on, it is an enormous task to keep it moving and even feel a glimpse of hope.

To this end, we at UIO continue to hope when hope seems unattainable and are so excited to share this hope through our podcasts, which continue to serve as a practical resource to some, while offering encouragement and hope to others.

Via our Discover U campaign, we are sending out well wishes to you wherever you are and hoping that from whatever space you are in, you will find some source of joy and happiness.

In the meantime,  to listen to our podcasts, any of them, click here. It is for you and about you, inside out.

Blog/

Taking the High Road To Tackle Poor Body Image

First things first. I’d like to wish all of our American followers and listeners a very Happy Thanksgiving today. As I celebrate with family, I have been reflecting on body image and our review of the latest podcast series 3. This week we have covered some of the later episodes of the series and in particular Episode 5. Here I spoke with Charlotte Aynsley about Internet Safety and in particular Body Image. The two go hand in hand.

I hardly know anyone who hasn’t faced problems with body image at one time or another. Of course, there are cases more extreme than others, which lead to eating disorders and other physical and mental health problems. No ifs, ands or buts, these are serious matters. Common body image issues that are less serious such as seeing oneself fat obsessively and consistently, however, are not to be dismissed lightly either, as they can also have a bearing on self-esteem and lead to health hazards.

Because body image and self-esteem are intrinsically linked, even those most confident hit lows about their body.

“I am fat; I’d like to lose a few pounds and then I’ll feel better; Only if my bum were bigger or smaller for that matter,” are just a few of the phrases that many women and some men use about their body on a regular basis. It’s all about perception and assumption that everyone else sees it that way, too.

According to a report by researcher Helen Gallivan, 53% of 13 year-old American girls are unhappy with their bodies. This number grows to 78% by the time girls reach 17.  And In another survey, carried out by Edelman Intelligence for the 2017 Dove Global Girls Beauty and Confidence Report, it emerged that only 46% of girls globally had high body esteem, while the figure was even lower in the UK (39%). Of the countries included, only China and Japan fared worse.

Over the years, I have been told often that I don’t see myself the way others do, particularly at retreats, leadership conferences and so on. While others tend to see me as a confident woman who is comfortable in her own skin (and I am most of the time), I have low moments too. This came home to roost while  having coffee with two longstanding friends during what I thought was a high point in my life.

You look great, Sonja, but you might be a little thin, one of them said and the other agreed. How is your work-life balance? Are you eating  right?

Excuse me, I am bigger now than I have ever been! If anything, I need to shift about three pounds.  Long silence, which plunked a pink elephant in the room.

Then you have a body image problem, one friend said. I’ve never known you to be happy with your body. Never! And the other chimed in:  She’s right! Maybe there is a self-esteem issue, too. Pink Elephant turns dark grey at this point and mist falls over the room!

I do not have a body image or self-esteem problem, thank you very much, I stress while refusing a pastry that might contribute to weight gain. I feel and look great, so how can I have a body image problem. End of conversation!

Actually, that conversation, though not recalled verbatim, did not end there. I recounted it in my mind’s eye repeatedly, until I decided to take a deeper look  at my obsession with body size and what was really going on. Though I’ve never been overweight, I’ve always referred to my thighs as thunder thighs and my bum as rather enhanced. Often when I am trying on clothes, I hear myself announcing: “I will never get into that,” and then slip right into it. Sometimes, of course, I don’t slide into a pair of jeans, for instance.

And when this happens, the key is knowing that the jeans are too little and that I am not too big. It has taken me awhile to get my head around the negative body image stuff, but with a heighten awareness I now know that when a few extra pounds drag me down, it has more to do with the consequences of eating and drinking unhealthily than anything else.  Thus, I get a grip on my diet and I don’t mean dieting, rather eating good foods that my body enjoys.

Make no mistake about it, the issues I have dealt with over the years don’t compare to some of the more serious matters that others contend with, but my problems are real and have often hung over me like a dark cloud from time to time. So nowadays on the odd occasion when I am told that I don’t see myself the way others do or that I have a body image problem, I don’t hit back defensively and go into a slump, I take the high road, if you will, taking a few tips from the ladies of UIO: You Inside Out.

  • Banish self-deprecating talk!

  • Focus on health!

  • Embrace genes, fanny and all!

  • Focus on likes and not on dislikes!

  • Make the most of the haves (that is what you have); ignore the have nots!

These tips can help with all poor body image problems. Though weight rates high amongst such issues, it is not the only culprit. For instance, as a girl, I do remember feeling unattractive as early as puberty, from disliking my wide, flat nose, mainly because peers teased me as such, and then later detesting my new breasts, which looked like mounds on my chest. And then as a young woman, I couldn’t understand why I had stick thin legs. It is a wonder I grew into a confident woman at all.

But I did and so can you with self-esteem in tow. When the low moments hit, and they will, just take the high road. You can find the links to the podcast here

you can subscribe to our podcast feed, or you can access the podcast on iTunes here.

Blog/

Tuning Into Your Thoughts For A Good News Story

After more years than I care to admit to, I finally made the connection between food and physical health, though it took a few intolerances to convince me. Yet I still haven’t quite gotten my head around food for mental and emotional health, which has more to do with thinking than anything else. Of course, real food can muddle the mind, too.

But let’s face it, our thoughts do play a major role in our emotional and mental health. One article that I read years ago puts it like this: thoughts are stories that we tell ourselves or that someone else tells us about ourselves.

That’s all good as long as the stories are all good. But when it comes to emotional abuse, the stories can cause health hazards, even if they appear to be good stories. Radio personality, Jillian ‘JJ’ Simmons, guest in our latest podcast, On Emotional Bullying, says that sometimes emotional abuse masquerades as love.  When her emotionally abusive boyfriend would often ask her to stay home, preventing her from going out and seeing friends and loved ones, she told herself his request had to do with love.  Although he wasn’t going to be at home with her, he would tell her that he wanted her to be the first person he saw when he returned.

In a healthy mind, this logic breaks down rather quickly but in a mind that is under the spell of emotional abuse, it makes perfect sense, even if it is telling a bad news story. I can relate. Though I can’t say I have had a similar experience, I have had tricky situations that have consistently caused me emotional unrest, leading to wear and tear on my self-esteem and keeping a negative story alive.  This stuff is not in your face but it is in your mind, even if you can’t see it.

JJ points out that you have to be on your guard and recognise emotional abuse for what it is. Name calling, taunting, controlling and so on all fit the bill. One of her hot tips for self-protection is to take care of yourself at the core. This means working on your self-esteem and ultimately knowing who are. In addition, she says it is important to watch what you feed your mind. Easier said than done, right.

Actually, it is as simple or as complex as watching what you feed your body.  As much as I love croissants and cinnamon rolls and the list keeps going with pastries, I have been gluten intolerant for years now.  Admittedly, the first year or so I would remove all gluten from my diet for about three months at a time, most of the time before a holiday, and then on holiday I would eat whatever I jolly well pleased and pay for it later. 

Though the physical discomfort would come, it was tolerable and then one day, it just wasn’t anymore.  So now I don’t focus on the foods that I used to love, regardless of consequences, I focus on the ones that love me sincerely. And you know what, I am healthier and happier for it.

As for my food for my thoughts, I’m getting there.  Key to my journey is tuning into the narrative that I am feeding my mind directly or indirectly and also recognising what really is emotional bullying and what is not.   Of course, there are healthy disagreements and different ways of life between friends, acquaintances and family members that call for healthy resolutions. That’s a fact of life.

For more hot tips and tools on how to protect yourself against emotional bullying, listen to On Emotional Bullying with JJ Simmons on our website, iTunes, Soundcloud or wherever you listen to podcasts. Meanwhile, tune into your thoughts to ensure your own good news story.

Blog/

Control What You Can for Better Character

You can only control what you can control.  How many times have you heard this phrase, particularly in the heat of anxiety? Though I have heard it a few times myself, most recently it was in a context that made it far more profound than usual.

While recording UIO podcast’s next release On Emotional Bullying, guest Jillian ‘JJ’ Simmons, made it clear that when it comes to being emotionally abused, particularly in a familiar situation, that you have to dig deep and control what you can.

This got me thinking about character building once again.  Still elated over our most recent podcast  On Character Building with Paralympian Elizabeth Wright, I couldn’t help but wonder what character strengths I recently called upon to control what I could in a bit of a residential quandary.

A day or so ago, I woke up to a beautiful day on my leafy London street, which still counts a bit as being rather central, depending on who you ask, and rushed to pull the curtains back to catch some sunshine. But that is not all I caught. There was an abandoned motorcycle, thrown on its side right out in front of my house. Having been stripped of everything, including its wheels, its license plate and so on, it looked rather unsightly.

Let’s just say as the sun moved expediently behind the clouds, I backed away from the window with an ill feeling welling up in my chest. I didn’t know what to think—had someone done this to a neighbour’s bike or had someone done this elsewhere and brought it to the said spot in front of my house?  Later, I would find that the latter had transpired in darkness the night before. One of our neighbours had heard a fuss around 10ish and looked out to see what was going on and saw a white van in the area. She thought he was parking and had somehow made the noise. She moved on as he sped away.

Anyhow, I told myself that surely the entire neighbourhood was in an uproar over this thing because however it came to pass it was a crime and the evidence was in front of my house. So, I got on with work and thought to myself by the time I leave for my noon appointment, it will be dealt with.  Yep, you guessed it, it was still there when I left to go out and nearly three hours later when I returned, it still had not moved.

Suddenly, my gut prodded me to do something, make a call, anything, and as much as I wanted to ignore it, I knew that it was this same strength of character that had emerged time and again to resolve a dilemma such as this, like the time it brought me peace and quiet in my former neighbourhood, and the endless times it has made the difference in my father’s healthcare, my mother’s and mother-in-law’s, too.

Begrudgingly, I consulted Google, learning how to file a police report online for non-emergency crimes. Done, so I thought, but had a niggling feeling I needed to called my local authority.  Done, for sure now, I thought, until evening arrived when the bike had not moved, so I called the local council again to find that they had indeed attended to find the vehicle leaking petrol.  Yes, petrol. Was I the only one who thought this was not a good sign.

As my fortitude, resilience, whatever you want to call it, rushed in like adrenalin, I couldn’t hang up fast enough to call the non-emergency police number.  After much explanation and determination to hold any anger or caustic words back, I convinced the police to send a few fire fighters, who confirmed that there had been a leak of perhaps oil, so they addressed the matter, standing the vehicle and sanding the hazardous substance, and then said that the council would have to remove the abandoned vehicle.

So, I took a deep breath and asked myself, what can you control?  Though low on patience, I made another phone call to the council.  And as much as I would love to say Eureka, it is all done, I am still dealing with what I can control—outwardly the phone calls and inwardly, I am keeping the adrenalin at bay.

Stay tuned for On Emotional Bullying, out Wednesday. In the meantime, visit our website to hear more from UIO, the podcast for teen girls. We’ve got you covered.

Blog/

When a plan comes together

blog on planning and revision

All the talk about revising gets me thinking about novel writing or even podcasting. Sounds a bit far-fetched at first, right? But when you think about it, revising has a lot in common with such undertakings as creative writing. Not only are they both processes, they each require some level of planning.

Never mind those novelists and podcasters whose delivery comes like Johnny on the spot. They are exceptions to the rules. The rest of us need a plan, at least I know I do.

Sure, the ideas often come fast and furious, perhaps when I am running or even flying, but to develop them properly, I need a well thought out plan, which admittedly often gets chopped and changed along the way.

Arguably, the output is all the better for it. The difference between my first novel, Crossing Over, which never saw the light of day, and the actual third one, The Barrenness, which was my first published novel, was not only maturation and growth as a writer but also planning was in the detail, which meant employing writing techniques that allowed the plot to thicken, if you will.

Without a plan, I received a devastating result, a host of rejections, a vocational habit as a writer, but these were empty, without hope and questions about my abilities as a writer rejections—soul destroying.  For ages, I put the manuscript away, couldn’t stand to look at it. But years later when I did find the courage to pull it out and dust it off, not able to get writing out of my blood, I saw the error of my ways.

While some of the writing was good stuff, not all of it admittedly, the piece did not hang together as a novel. With a better understanding of novel writing, I re-wrote it, renamed it Preparing for Grace, and thanked my lucky stars that it had not been published as it was.

Someday, you never know. But for now, I have other plans, the biggest one is growing UIO: You Inside Out, the podcast for teen girls. In the meantime, I have personal plans too. One is to get more sleep. And you know what, when I didn’t have a plan my efforts were futile. But with a plan that includes signing off of all electronic devices two hours before I go to sleep, I’m catching some z’s. Now you know why I don’t answer late night messages anymore. Fair enough, right!

Of course, revising is a bit different to novel writing, but the truth is: planning is always in order, as long as it doesn’t become a distraction. The bottom line is this: planning means prioritising and being intentional about the task, whether it is writing, exercising, eating right or revising. So, what’s the plan?

Blog/

Reaping the Benefits of Waiting Awhile

One of the stories found in our Wait Awhile research confirms that teenage girls still feel a lot of pressure to explore sex, often before they are ready. Of the 16% of our respondents who said they had gone further in a sexual relationship than they were comfortable with, 77% of the girls said they regretted doing so.

And although our survey doesn’t ask girls to tell us the specific regrets, I know from talking with teenage girls through my work and personal life and having been a girl myself, though a long time ago, such regrets are deeply felt and can be long lasting, which is why our Wait Awhile initiative is about taking a deep breath and widening the gap between being a girl and a woman.

Having said that some high risk activities for teenagers, such as sharing sexually explicit material can lead to danger and harm and deep regret at any age. But becoming sexually active prematurely does carry enormous risks during the teen years.

There are plenty of reasons to wait awhile but too often the only reasons that are expounded on are the ones that focus more on the negatives consequences of premature sex instead of the positive benefits of waiting.

At UIO podcast, we believe there are enormous benefits in side-stepping undue pressures and expected behaviour that could result in deep regret. And we are not just talking about sex, though sex is a big deal. Sexuality, for example, is another topic that teenagers feel heated pressure to explore and know all the answers instantaneously.

In our On Dating Inside Out podcast with Cat Williams, the therapist points out that often when we are determined to do something no matter the cost, it might not hurt to step back and let the hormones settle, my words, not Cat’s.

Amongst the benefits of stepping back are living a life without the pressure of worrying about consequences, as well as the opportunity to align with your true values and live your best life in the here and now.  And as you grow-up that here and now changes, as it should, giving you the opportunity to make more informed decisions that serve you, rather than cause regret and grief.

In our On Sex and Sexuality podcast, which we have re-released this week, our guest Rachel Gardener talks about the importance of putting your relationship first, before diving into a steamy romance. The benefits of learning loads about yourself while learning to relate to another person far outweighs living under pressure that can and so often lead to physical and emotional scars.

Waiting awhile is about reclaiming your space as a teenage girl.  After all, you’re only a teenager for a few short years. Enjoy!

Blog/

UIO Launches New Podcast Series

Kicking off UIO’s new podcast series, I have a fantastic conversation about identity with Rachita Saraogi and Rebecca Thomson, co-founders of Sisterhood, a social enterprise about turning girl’s self-doubt into self-confidence through creativity.

Out today, Series 2: Episode 1: Your Identity Inside Out delves into questions that often arise during adolescence. How to deal with gender stereotypes and so on. Also, the podcast offers lots of tips on how to tap into your girl cell and use it as your super power.

Intriguing stuff! And that’s not all. To listen, download a feed reader and sign up for my rss feed here. Also, listen on iTunes, Spotify, Tunein, Stitcher and Soundcloud and check out our Twitter, Instagram or Facebook page, all @uiopodcast.

In the meantime, not only do we have another exciting line-up of fabulous guests this season, we have also taken to the studio to improve the sound and overall production quality of the podcasts. Some of the episodes are taped in Maple Street Creative in Central London and others in the White City Place podcast hub in West London.  It’s all about making better podcasts for you.

On that note, coming up in two weeks is Episode 2: On Undiagnosed Mental Illness Inside Out with Eleanor Segall, writer and expert on mental illness. Stay tuned!

Blog/

More To Identity Than Meets The Eye

There is so much to identity that does not meet the eye, yet it is what meets the eye that often describes who you are, at least to others—an African American teen girl or a black American teen girl is how I would have been described when I was about your age. And as the eyes swept over me, other factors such as my medium brown skin, the shape of my eyes, the size of my nose, and my medium length tightly coiled hair would have given more information in some way or another to the onlooker.

And presto, a peer, the teacher, the coach, the bus driver, whomever was sizing me up, had all they needed to know.  After all I was unmistakably all the things they could see through their filters.

But what they couldn’t see, unless opportunity arose, were the identity markers that are not necessarily seen through the filters that make assumptions and conjure up stereotypes, filters that define, that demarcate.

People can’t see inside of you, how your true self is connected to all the other factors, even in their purest form, without the filters. They cannot see what makes you tick. And may this continue. It is up you to unveil that.

For example, the stereotype that girls are not as good as boys in stem subjects—science, technology, engineering and maths still exists. Inroads are being made to dispel this stereotype and other similar ones but we have a long way to go, as explained in this article in The Guardian.

Anyhow, here is the thing about stereotypes and assumptions, they are illusive and disempowering such as the belief that one race might be superior to another or one gender has more rights than the other(s). There has to be a way around pigeonholing, right. Otherwise, simply going along with it make a big difference in your life experience, the difference in whether you follow a dream or not, believe you can achieve something or feel that you belong.

For me it comes down to writing new stories. But how do we do that?

First, be who you are. Do not apologise! This starts with understanding your history, your heritage, your starting place and being aware of how other people might see this. They are the ones holding the assumptions and stereotypes, not you! Don’t misunderstand, I am not proposing that we all walk around with a chip on our shoulder. It will either get knocked off or weigh you down. But there is a middle ground, if you will.

For example, as a tween, well into being a teen girl I loved activities that were associated with boys, see what I mean by stereotypes. I played baseball, ran, rode a dirt bike, climbed trees and had a boy best friend, who was my next door neighbour.  I was called a tomboy and only the other day fondly remembered those days. Harmless, right!

Maybe but why did I give up all these activities I loved ever so much. I didn’t write a new story. I lived in the one that was told to me, that I couldn’t be a girl and enjoy the same activities as boys. Lesson learned, embrace who you are. Do not turn yourself inside out to be someone else.

Next, don’t let Identity markers hem you into margins. Remember, negative connotations associated with your gender, race, nationality, your socio-economic status, your ability, your sexuality are not yours to own.  Doing so is restrictive.  Such thoughts as I can’t go to this and that school or play this or that instrument because of my….limits you.  

Give it a go, if you’d really like to, and if there are institutional barriers, write a new story. Of course, it is not as simple as that but as the old saying goes, there is more than one way to do anything.  I have seen two examples in the UK where women helped girls set up their own sports teams, one a basketball team and the other football.  Lesson learned, do it your way!

Last but not least, self-love is so important for many reasons but one thing for sure is that when you are living outside of the box, you just might get criticised and not always constructively. Also, you don’t always get awarded for your efforts or the external validation that you think you deserve.  Better to validate yourself, if you will. And I am not talking about bragging or throwing shade on others who perhaps got your props.   The key is to keep improving your game, honing your skills and enjoying the experiences along the way.  Lesson learned here is that learning to love yourself is a survival skill.

In the meantime, consider that identity is as much to do with what you are about (your character and so on) as it is to do with where you are from. And what you are about has a lot to do with where you are going.

Stay tuned for the new podcast series kicking off September 5. First up: Series 2, Episode 1: Your Identity Inside Out with Rachita Saraogi and Rebecca Thomson.  It is all about you inside out.